Breathing a little easier

The one thing that gives me comfort through my struggles is my love for photography. Yes, I'll admit, photography (or assisting) is not my main source of income right now. With that, I deal with some heavy imposter syndrome. I know every artist in the world has experienced this feeling before. It's not a nice feeling. Do not recommend.

What do I even call myself? Am I even a photographer? Even with these hard career thoughts, I know that for some reason, taking even just a self portrait in a vulnerable state somehow allows my breath to come a little easier. I can express myself.

I fell in love with photography in the first place because I was able to speak my mind, visually. I have always had a difficult time effectively expressing myself verbally, so through my imagery has been a great emotional release. I am able to create a story for others. A story that others can relate to.

Even if the image is not of me, the image is still a reflection of me.

All i've ever wanted to do with my work was to make people think. Have people feel seen, and start a real, vulnerable conversation.

We should never feel bad about our weaknesses. Our weaknesses are the strongest part of us. If we are able to look at ourselves and see what we can improve within ourselves that is the strongest thing you can do.

Is time running out?

Sometimes I believe I am knowledgable about what I love doing, but the next second I truly believe that I am the most incompetent person alive. I have such a low self esteem personally that it affects my work, and then I get afraid to even do anything. I feel like I failed. When I graduated, it felt like everyone had such high expectations of me… and I didn’t live up to them.

I understand that life is a process, and everyone is on their own path. Their own journey. Sometimes I feel grateful for the traumatic things I’ve been through, even the horrible things that have happened these last few years. Weird to say, but I know it’s good for my art.

All in due time.

The domino affect of mental health

The thing about depression that is so confusing is that it’s not like an emotion. It’s not an event that has happened, it isn’t like I can just tell you something happened and that’s why i’m feeling sadness. Majority of the time I don’t even know why I feel the way I feel. I just wake up and feel absolutely nothing. During these lows nothing seems real.

When I was a child I was absolutely convinced that I was a Barbie doll. Someone else was controlling me. There was a big figure over looking my life. I didn’t feel real. Even at that young of an age, I knew something was wrong.

Knowing what I know now, I was dissociating.

The thing that is even more confusing is that I also live with anxiety. Sometimes the anxiety covers up the depression and all I feel is constant worry. During these times I am feeling every single emotion, I am feeling every single thought. These two disorders are constantly fighting against one another and then I just sleep.

So much sleep.

………. I just found out that I also have ADHD and Borderline Personality Disorder “traits”. A lot of things make sense now, l o l.